Can't sleep...

Been trying to sleep but can't seem to get my mind to cooperate. Lots on my mind apparently and not to mention my 1hr nap around 11 doesn't seem to be helping much.

Topics on my mind are as follows:

*Insecurities
*Forgiveness
*Letting past mistakes go
*Moving on
*Death
*Love
*Future
* And the fact that I can't seem to spell anything correctly the first time.


So which should we talk about?

I would say the spelling but is has no room for depth so let's go with letting things and moving on.


I find myself thinking of things in the past and really feeling bad about some things because in some cases I was way wrong in my actions and things did not go the way I had planned. So at this point I am chatting with God about all this and I find that I am repeating these same things when I ask for forgivness. Now, I know that God has already forgiven me and moved on so why is it that I can't forgive myself. I mean the one with all the power has let it go so why on earth can't I?

On to insecurities....
Everyone has them...and if you think you don't then you are in denial and need some help!!!

So, the thought behind this is when thinking to myself I say I wish this or I was this or this was better and so on... that if all these things were the way I wanted them to be that everything would be great and I would be so happy because everything was finally exactly the way I wanted it to be. BUT, I also know that we as human will never be fully satisfied. We always want something more. That if I only had that I wouldn't need anything else and I would be so happy. WRONG! It doesn't quite work that way...

Hmm...Forgiveness!
Why in the heck does it have to be so HARD!!!
Ugh...I'm really struggling with this one. I want to be mad for awhile. I don't want to talk and I don't want to be happy about it just yet. But why? Why don't I? I mean, the sensible thing here is to let ig go and live happy...but why can't I? This I want to know!

Sometimes I just really wish I could pause life for a second and sit down one on one with God and ask Him some of these questions...cause I think it would make things just a little easier!


Anyways, just thoughts in my head as I lay awake at 2:30 in the morning!
Had to vent to someone, might as well be this new found friend of mine I would like to call....

Harland. =)

Goodnight/morning

Early morning thoughts...

Love...
(Just one aspect and thought on the word love)

A loaded word don't you think!

You can't make someone love you by buying them things, saying all the right things and by being who you think they want you to be. Because in the end they don't really love you...they love the person you have made in order to impress them.

No matter how hard you try...you can't MAKE someone love you... it's like a do or don't thing. And I think you know right from the beginning if you could ever really love them or not.

And I feel kind of bad about this...because there were just some people that I will never love like this and they tried real hard at some points...and it's kinda sad yet funny to think back about it because they tried real real hard for small moments and expected me to love them.

I don't think you can really love someone the way you want to if you don't feel any love returned. Speaking from my own experience of course...when you know someone is just jealous and you feel like their actions are self centered and mean, you really don't have any desire to love them like you probably should.

So here is when it gets complicated....
God says to love one another as He has loved us. This is where I would like to have a one on one with the big guy and say "Have you met this person!?!?!?!" To which He would answer of course! I made them and I love them. To which I might have to ask Him if He was crazy!!!! Knowing that He of course is not but I'm real serious about this being hard and all.

I know He is probably laughing at me...cause I know it can't be that hard...
and it is better now then it was before but yet still challenging.


So that is what was on my mind when I woke up and after thinking it was not time to get up my mind started to wander off... Thanks for hanging in there through all that rambling! =)

remember me?

So, I haven't sat down and wrote...like anything random or worth reading really...so that is what I wanted to do. This doesn't have anything to do with anything...just words is all. I don't want you all to start worrying about me. Just doing what I love...writing. =)



I'll wipe away the tears like I wipe away the lies
and one ever knows they exist but me.

I'll laugh when it's appropriate
and keep the sadness to myself.

I'll smile and nod when asked if everything is all right
and keep myself from feeling the truth.

I'll be who you want me to be
and convince myself it's better that way.

I'll learn this new life
and no one will remember the old one.

Made contact with long lost granny...who's not really lost...

So after A LOT of thought I decided to call this long lost granny of mine. It turned out all right I suppose. It was sure interesting... I dunno. I have some mixed feelings about it all. I'm praying about it all though. Maybe it would open up some doors with my sister and I. So, you can keep me and this whole situation in your prayers. Thanks! =)

long lost granny...

"I'm waking up

The world is turning

The sun is shining again

I'm holding on

To things I shouldn't

It's time to let them go

I've been on a losing streak

Hit so hard I couldn't speak

But when I hear Your voice it fades away

And I can hear You say

It's a brand new day

The pain goes away..."

Too many things going on lately!

I got a call from my long lost grandma as I like to call her. My birth moms mom.

Suddenly after like 4 or 5 years happened to find my number and thought she would call me. I didn't answer though...cause I was working.

What I would like to know though is why now? I mean, I wasn't good enough before, she obviously didn't love me like she loved my sister...so what's different now. Why even bother?

Just the other day I was thinking to myself about her and my sister. I asked myself what made my sister so much better. What did she have that I didn't? Why wasn't I wanted?

Through out my life I have gotten a few cards a couple phone calls and that's it. She knows nothing about me except what my sister(whom hates me) has told her. At this point I am tired of people walking into my life just to turn around and leave again. Just stay gone.

I don't know...

I kind of want to talk to her but then again I don't. Lately I have felt sick and tired of giving people so many second chances.

...and as I thought about that, I have just realized that with God I am given as many chances I need to get it right...so who am I to decide if they deserve it or not. I get them when I certainly don't deserve them. So this has given me something to think about.

Life is moving on...which is a good thing I guess. I suppose I don't want things to stay the same but I wish that certain things would....

Matters of the heart...

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."

This is my goal...I want to be so lost in God that I don't see the person before God has prepared me to see him. I have learned lots in my last journey of love and I have come to actually realize that I am nothing, we will be nothing, and he will be nothing if we are not individually focused on Him first and then together as things change.

God has been so good to me...healing my heart when I needed it, picking me up after I have fallen *not literally (= * and blessing me when I didn't deserve it at all. I have grown in so many ways. I have learned lessons that I might not have learned if I had done it any other way.

I've struggled lately... with letting go and really moving on...which I know is "normal" but I could certainly use some prayer. I find myself lost in thought about how maybe things could have changed and maybe if we were different but when I wake up I know that this is the best decision for the both of us. I miss him though...even after all the hurt and pain and all...I really still miss him. I know that, that too shall pass...it just hasn't yet...so I take one day at a time and God guides me through those times. I'm thankful for those people in my life that encourage me and challenge me...and especially for those that just listen to me ramble on about everything I am feeling and all that is on my mind...cause whether they think it does or not...it helps and makes all the difference. So to you...I love you and I am so thankful for the things you do for me...I hope I can do the same for you. I just know that when I am in the place you are I hope I have been half the influence on someone as you have been on me.

I did it again!

So I have been way busy working with my dad lately....and well there have been some challenging days but overall things have been fine. Okay so we have been working on this deck and the place is on a hill and one day I was carrying a beam on my shoulder and stepped in a hole, rolled my ankle and fell and slid down the hill. (Go ahead and laugh...I know you want to.) Well my hip was bruised and my leg hurt real bad for a couple days...but I was fine. Well today I had to go to Springfield with my dad...and my day wasn't going like I would have liked but I was dealing with it. We were walking through the mill trying to find a machine to move all the stuff we had hauled. I was following my dad when I rolled my ankle again on some uneven ground and biffed it...AGAIN... and this time I even bled. I am two for two this week and hope that will end when this week ends. Totally embarrassing but kinda funny (Go ahead and laugh again) I know I deserve it. What a clutz!
Hope this gave you a laugh! =)