Got me a CHRISTmas tree. =)

Today =)

So today after church I was supposed to go get a CHRISTmas tree with ny dad. So, I took my little sister with me to buy a tree stand and some other CHRISTmas stuff. It was much fun!

Well when I got home it didn't look like we were going to end up going so I decided that I was going to take a nap. Well after awhile I heard the rhino start up so I knew I needed to get up. The weather was cold and foggy when we started off but not too bad. The higher we got the prettier it got. The view was amazing and everything was stunning. So I took LOTS of pictures and we got our CHRISTmas tree. So here are just a few of them.

This is what it looked like on our way up...

This is what it looked like up on top. All the white is fog.

My dad and our tree

Me and the tree...my dad is in the process of cutting it down.

Haulin it home.

My dad brought the chain saw IN the house and and cut the bottom of the tree.

just a couple pics

The pictures as promised.


This is before we got the table put together...sure would have been interesting eating like this.


Table put together and with the food. =)







The Turkey was AMAZING if I may say so.

We didn't take many other pics...nobody was cooperating and I got tired of it.

But, thanksgiving was good. Everything turned out great.

Happy Thanksgivin

Happy Thanksgiving.


I made my first thanksgiving dinner today.
It was real good. =)


Nothing real exciting...it was real good.
I'll post pics later.


Working tomorrow. =(

Why

Why is it that...

We love the ones who hurt us the most.

Trust the ones that abuse it.

Want so bad to be with the one that doesn't deserve us.

Cry still even after it's over.

Wonder what it would have been like it you were still together.
Think of them...when they have probably forgotten you.

It's a vicious cycle!

I've been taking lots of pictures of the sunsets lately...

God is good!

Put on a pot of coffee and let's chat.

Anybody ever feel like this? I do... HELP ME! Rescue me from all that is going on! Take me away. This is my cousins son... we call him X-man.

I drank a cup of coffee a few hours ago and well am certainly not ready to go to sleep yet.

I've got a heavy heart again...not sure what to do about it though...

I'm waiting for that moment when things just click and fall into place and everything makes sense again...I know I'll be waiting forever. =(

I go to sleep at night dreading waking up in the morning. What the day will bring...what harsh words. What lies I will hear. What pain I will see. What love is not returned. What struggle will be lost. All things I can't do anything about. It is driving me crazy!

I'll cry out again...but can He hear me! I'm desperate...when is it my turn for all to work out. I just want them all to be happy.

*Just randomness*

I'll cry out...but can anyone hear me.

I'll tell you...but is anyone listening.

I'll let it go...but does anyone care.

I'll fake it...but will anyone seek the truth.

I'll move on...but will anyone see.

**************************************

A wicked web you've weaved

A messed up bed you're gonna have to lay in.

A terrible place you've led yourself

One lie

Two lies

Three lies

Four...

You barely remember the truth.

Five lies

Six lies

Seven lies

Eight...

You've lost sight of any truth at all.

Nine lies

Ten lies

Eleven lies

Twelve...

The lies are now your life.

Thirteen lies

Fourteen lies

Fifteen lies

Sixteen...

It's all lies.

You are not who you were anymore.

Liar.

=(

Funny how in one moment you could lose all the trust it took years to build over one lie...one mistake, one.

How after that moment you are questioned about everything.

*************************************************************

Just my mind wandering...

I think I will head to bed.

Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling.

wrong...always wrong!

*BIG FAT HUGE SIGH*

I'm so tired...of everything! I can't seem to do anything right, say anything right, make the right faces, or just plain exist and it be right.
I'm sick and tired of it! I know I can't lose hope but I'm really struggling right now...with like every aspect of life it seems.

could use some prayer...

thanks

SILENCE!!!!

Oh how I wish I had some silence.

My mind never stops going, thinking of all sorts of things and people. I worry and I try to help...it's just what I do. So really I should be reminding myself that I can't do anything but pray and God will take care of the rest but...I REALLY WANT TO HELP! You know when either you have kids or babysitting and you are doing something important or in a hurry and the kid wants to help but you really have it all under control and they would only slow you down? Well I feel like the kid... begging to be able to help...but I know it will only slow down the process. I am really trying to let it be...I really am.

There is so much on my mind...I am so EXCITED that tomorrow is Friday because this week has been challenging in so many ways that I am ready for a break(I hope) many times this week I have found myself thinking this: "God, it's me again...Um, so I am dealing with this really big problem right now...and well I don't think you meant...well I mean are you sure...cause well I am not so sure you really meant this problem for me to handle... cause well...I CAN'T DO THIS....Is there another Jessica that you meant it for?" Then I get to laugh at myself for being so ridiculous knowing that God ABSOLUTELY meant it for me and knows I can't do it by myself and He was just waiting for the word to swoop in and save me.

I have been swooped up a few times this week...it has felt real good too. I keep getting reminded that I am not alone, I don't have to do it on my own, and that God is in control of my life and all I need to do is surrender.

David Crowder sings "You never let go, you never let go, you never let go" Which always brings a smile to my face...because no matter how many times I lost my grip and let go...He never did...and He never will.

=)

Just words.

I used to sit and the words flowed through my fingertips.
Now I sit for hours thinking.
I used to put words together like a puzzle.
Now I have too many puzzles mixed together.
I used to smile for no reason.
Now I search to find a memory.
I used to be me.
Now I am just a version of who I was.

Sister Day! =)

Chels, Lyns, and I at the beach =)

Me and Chels in Florence.

All of us in Florence.

I got the priveledge of spending time with my sisters Monday night and all day Tuesday. We headed to the coast Tuesday and went up to Florence did a little shopping and then headed down to Bandon to play on the beach. =)

It was so much fun!

I am so glad to have them.

Hello....is that you? This is me...

So I finally made it to bed....and I think in just enough time to get to sleep to have to start waking up again. Should be a fantastsic day! =)

Imma gummma be going on an outing today with the seestas.... should be interesting. =)


Which I suppose I should go and get ready for.

Are you sleeping?

So I was all excited and thought I would write a real cool blog...but now that I am here I have nothing to say. How sad.

Tonight is night 3 of my stay alone... 2 out of 3 nights though I haven't been alone. I got both my sisters here tonight. =) We watched a movie and they are both sound asleep in the living room on couches. Which means I get my bed to myself. =) It would be okay if I didn't though.

So anyway, I don't really have anything else to tell you so I guess this blog is done.

all by my lonesome

So I told you all that I would be staying by myself cause my dad is out of town. Well tonight is the 2nd night... but really the first by myself cause my real nice sister came and stayed with me last night.

i'm doing just fine though...or atleast I was.

I had a real good day. Went to church, got real mad, got real happy, got real mad again, hung out with Mam, Lyns and played cards and then the youngest came home so I got to see her too! It was real nice!

So finally after a long time I decided I have better get home but I had to take care of the dogs first. So to entertain myself I called my aunt and chatted with her for awhile and then my cousin. After awhile I had enough and decided to come on home. However, I wanted to talk to my uncle so I called him to pass the time away and had to go get some gas so I could make it home...and this is when it all turned for the worst. =)

(All this happening while talking to my uncle)
First, the boy at the gas station stole my wallet... cause I tried to hide my driver's license. So after he was done pilfering through my walllet I finally got it back. My uncle laughing at me the whole time. Mostly because he could tell my face was turning red and he enjoyed making it worse. All the time talking to him the boy at the gas station saying. "you're blushing...what's he saying?" Which I certainly wasn't going to repeat what I was hearing from the other end. =) So then I remembered that my tire was low (even though the tire guy just checked them and said nothing was wrong) and my uncle laughing again, asking me if it was a full service station, so then I made him check my oil too. Which then he asked me if i thought it was a full service station. Ha! It wasn't like he had anything else to do. The place was dead!
Anyways, I got real embarassed on the phone and the boy at the gas station wanted to know what my uncle was saying and well...oh man. I finally had to get off the phone cause I couldn't stop laughing and smiling. My uncle is a really funny guy!

Once that was over we were just chit chatting and he was trying to scare me about staying out here and all...cause he knows where I live. Saying things like watch out for all the deer and stuff. Well then I said oh nothing bad is gonna happen and he said I should knock on wood and I was like yeah ok whatever. So I left and headed home...and barely turned off the highway and almost hit 4 deer that ran across the road. I blame the boy at the gas station. So I told him that and he just laughed at me. What real nice friends I have...don't ya think!


So that was a real long story...but kinda funny. I'm doing fine out here though. Everything is good! =)

la la lonely. =)

Love turned to hate

Truth become lies

Happiness is anger

Smiles are tears

Dreams fade to fear

Home alone...AHHAHAHAHA

Just kidding! I am quite looking forward to it actually. My dad is headed to Reno so I get some time off...from him. I got a whole list of things to take care of. =)

Let's just hope the forest doesn't eat me. =( I have yet had to stay out here by myself. It could be interesting. I just won't be going outside after dark.

I need...

I need you to open up your eyes

I need you to see the pain you are causing

I need you to make a change

not for me, but for you.

I need you to listen to your heart

I need you to ignore your mind

I need you to focus on God

not for me, but for yourself.

I need you to seek God's will

I need you to seek His direction

I need you to wake up to real life

not for me, but for you.

I need you to take a stand

I need you to overcome the hurt

I need you to be, and stay, strong

not for me, but for yourself.

I need you to know, you're not alone

I need you to see we are on your side

I need you to be honest with yourself

not for me, but for you.

I need you to do this...

not for me, but for yourself!

=) Happy to be me...again

I don't want to have to think about everything you say and wonder if you are telling me the truth.

I don't want to have to make excuses for you to make things alright.

I don't want to lay awake at night wondering if this is really what I want.

I don't want to spend most of my time aplogizing for something I don't even know I did.

I don't want to worry every day if today will be the day you decide not to love me anymore.

I don't want to have to think about how you might feel if I do something that makes me happy.

I don't want to worry about if my choices are going to be ok with you.

I don't want to think of reasons why I am who I am

I don't want to ask your permission to be friends with someone.

I don't want to.

And I won't!

So I'm not! =)

Adventure

So today I left the house around 3 pm with my dad. We took the rhino up the mountain with a big group of people. When everyone showed up we had 10 rhino's total. We went on so many trails it was crazy. Lots of fun but at times scary. Getting slapped in the face by branches and jabbed in the side...all in all it was great. My adventure led me to get dirty! We were going through some huge ruts in the road and we were doing real good until my side dropped into the rut and over we went. I had to push myself up and hold myself there until the people could help us get tipped up right. So that was our first encounter with the mud and the bank. Later on we almost did it again...I got real close to the mud again. =)
I should mention that 3/4 of the people we were with were drinking the whole time so by dark everyone was just plain crazy...and quite entertaining if I may say so. One of the older guys got his stuck and we had to wench him out and we got seperated from the rest of the group and apparently went a different way cause at some point we got back on the old guys farm and one of the other guys found us and was like where were you we thought you were lost and they were looking for us. It was funny. Everyone was safe though and no one got hurt. I just got a real bad headache is all. So I think it is off to bed for me.
We got back at 9pm...that's 6 hours... and it feels like it! I'm way tired!

I thought Abby would enjoy this story being that we didn't do anything near that crazy when we went up. =) Maybe next time. ;)

I'll try and get pictures tomorrow of my side of the rhino. =)
G'nite!

the wind =)

I love the wind.

The force, the strength, the feeling, the smell, the beauty of it all. I love fall weather!

So last night and today the wind has been crazy out here in my forest...we lost a couple trees and of course the pretty leaf free yard is well...no longer leaf free.

But, I was standing outside just a few minutes ago and I closed my eyes and just listened...all I could hear was the wind...and I felt peaceful, relaxed, calm, and alive!