I'm not a princess...this ain't a fairytale

I've come to the conclusion that there are no real happy endings....
Nothing ever really turns out the way you want it to...not that, that is a bad thing...but nothing is as it seems to be.

I don't see what most people see in me...
I feel like a little kid that is shy and quiet and helpless...

Deep down I know that I am strong independent and outgoing if I want to be.

So what is it that holds me back?
Why do I let the fear take over everything I want for myself and settle for less?

I've been doing some soul searching...and things are changing. I want to push myself to take risks that I know I need to. I want to be a person that is not afraid of achieving her goal.
A woman proud to stand on her own two feet for something she believes whole heartedly in.

Scared to death.
Who am I and where am I headed?


A new year.
A new chapter.
A new heart.
A new perspective.
A new mind.

time wasted.

I used to look in the mirror and recognize the person who stared back at me
Now all I see is a version of myself that I don't even understand anymore.

The thoughts that control me.
The lies I feed myself
The pain I cause myself.
and all for nothing. =(

I don't feel like I am not who I used to be.
Not sure if I want that back anyway.
So here I sit and search...no idea what for though.

Not falling for it anymore.

It's here...already?

Well it's Christmas...not sure when it got here but it's here.

Feels like it came out of no where, I didn't get everything done I wanted...but oh well I suppose.

I feel like I am not ready for it. I don't feel in the mood... =( Not sure what that is all about but I hope it passes real soon.

Turned out to be a white Christmas...that was nice. I would have been alright without it for driving purposes but it's ok.

I'll write again later...I'll have some pictures to post.

Moving on.

I've been real hurt lately by a couple people...
I've been real mad, and I haven't wanted to let it go.
I've decided that it's not worth it, they haven't been worth it. =(

Sadly enough, it's time to move on.

"Things change. And friends leave. And time doesn't stop for anbody"

So thanks for the memories...

=(

*big fat HUGE sigh*

People keep leaving me!!!!
I don't like it...at all.
The only thing I keep reminding myself is that God has a plan for them just like He has a plan for mine...(but I am really gonna miss you Bethany. )

I haven't quite got the point of God bringing people into my life just long enough for me to get close to them and then takes them aways.
What the heck is up with that?!?!?!?!?
So I am struggling with that one... =(

Anyways, Road trip to Seattle to see them...got me a personal tour guide. =)

Love you guys!!!

more words...

Words used to flow through these fingers
Nothing could stop them from telling it how it was.

The words stop short these days
Never escaping my mind.

So many people to tell
Though nothing ever comes when it should.

Words unspoken
Thoughts unsaid
Tears hidden
Laughs instead


You'll never know the pain you caused
Simply cause it's easier unsaid
You'll never know the tears cried
Simply because it wouldn't change a thing
You'll never know the many times I was just so mad
Simply because you made your choice.

Time is not on our side.
Live today and love the ones closest to you.
They may not be around for long.

Keep those you cherish the most close and never let them go.
Remind them you are thankful for them.
Sometimes it takes more work than you want
But most of the time it is worth it...so worth it.

Full of thoughts tonight...

From the first time we met

I knew your face would be one I wouldn't forget.

From the first time you smiled at me

to the last look you stole.

From the laughs we shared

to the tears I shed.

A friend is what I wanted most.

A friend is what you were.

I sit here alone tonight.

Unsure of almost everything.

Knowing you are there.

I am here.

What to do and where to go.

Searching for the answers.

Fun time with the family. =)

Oh what a lovely weekend it has been so far. Friday night I went to town and watched the church's CHRISTmas program. Chels sang beautifully. =)
AfterLyns came home with me. =) We watched it snow and laughed lots. Always a joy having her here.

Today we had to be back in town so that Lyns could go with the family to get their CHRISTmas tree. I got to ride along and spend some time with them. It was real nice and I enjoyed it lots. I'm quite thankful for the family they have become to me.



This is me and Mam. We were wet and cold.
The whole family posed real nice. =)

Me and my Seeter. =)

Oh the snow. =) This was on the way to town. Photo credit to Lyns who took pictures as I was driving.

good day...a real good day.

So much to tell!
But no real energy to type.

Me and Lyns did some shopping today, got some coffee =), and out to the forest we went.

We went up the mountain in the rhino, found some cows, played in the mud puddle, took some real cool pictures. laughed LOTS...and screamed. =)

And had some real nice sister time.

It was a real good day!

have you ever...

Felt like you were replaced.
Felt like you didn't matter anymore.
That you aren't as important to someone as you used to be.
That things have changed so much you don't even know who someone is anymore.

Time really does change everything.
I've realized that I have been hurt for a real long time...and well, I have let it go and let it go and let it go. But now, I've realized that it still hurts and I'm tired of dealing with it...so tired.

I wish it could go back to the way things used to be...but I know that things will never be like that...ever. =(

Got me a CHRISTmas tree. =)

Today =)

So today after church I was supposed to go get a CHRISTmas tree with ny dad. So, I took my little sister with me to buy a tree stand and some other CHRISTmas stuff. It was much fun!

Well when I got home it didn't look like we were going to end up going so I decided that I was going to take a nap. Well after awhile I heard the rhino start up so I knew I needed to get up. The weather was cold and foggy when we started off but not too bad. The higher we got the prettier it got. The view was amazing and everything was stunning. So I took LOTS of pictures and we got our CHRISTmas tree. So here are just a few of them.

This is what it looked like on our way up...

This is what it looked like up on top. All the white is fog.

My dad and our tree

Me and the tree...my dad is in the process of cutting it down.

Haulin it home.

My dad brought the chain saw IN the house and and cut the bottom of the tree.

just a couple pics

The pictures as promised.


This is before we got the table put together...sure would have been interesting eating like this.


Table put together and with the food. =)







The Turkey was AMAZING if I may say so.

We didn't take many other pics...nobody was cooperating and I got tired of it.

But, thanksgiving was good. Everything turned out great.

Happy Thanksgivin

Happy Thanksgiving.


I made my first thanksgiving dinner today.
It was real good. =)


Nothing real exciting...it was real good.
I'll post pics later.


Working tomorrow. =(

Why

Why is it that...

We love the ones who hurt us the most.

Trust the ones that abuse it.

Want so bad to be with the one that doesn't deserve us.

Cry still even after it's over.

Wonder what it would have been like it you were still together.
Think of them...when they have probably forgotten you.

It's a vicious cycle!

I've been taking lots of pictures of the sunsets lately...

God is good!

Put on a pot of coffee and let's chat.

Anybody ever feel like this? I do... HELP ME! Rescue me from all that is going on! Take me away. This is my cousins son... we call him X-man.

I drank a cup of coffee a few hours ago and well am certainly not ready to go to sleep yet.

I've got a heavy heart again...not sure what to do about it though...

I'm waiting for that moment when things just click and fall into place and everything makes sense again...I know I'll be waiting forever. =(

I go to sleep at night dreading waking up in the morning. What the day will bring...what harsh words. What lies I will hear. What pain I will see. What love is not returned. What struggle will be lost. All things I can't do anything about. It is driving me crazy!

I'll cry out again...but can He hear me! I'm desperate...when is it my turn for all to work out. I just want them all to be happy.

*Just randomness*

I'll cry out...but can anyone hear me.

I'll tell you...but is anyone listening.

I'll let it go...but does anyone care.

I'll fake it...but will anyone seek the truth.

I'll move on...but will anyone see.

**************************************

A wicked web you've weaved

A messed up bed you're gonna have to lay in.

A terrible place you've led yourself

One lie

Two lies

Three lies

Four...

You barely remember the truth.

Five lies

Six lies

Seven lies

Eight...

You've lost sight of any truth at all.

Nine lies

Ten lies

Eleven lies

Twelve...

The lies are now your life.

Thirteen lies

Fourteen lies

Fifteen lies

Sixteen...

It's all lies.

You are not who you were anymore.

Liar.

=(

Funny how in one moment you could lose all the trust it took years to build over one lie...one mistake, one.

How after that moment you are questioned about everything.

*************************************************************

Just my mind wandering...

I think I will head to bed.

Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling.

wrong...always wrong!

*BIG FAT HUGE SIGH*

I'm so tired...of everything! I can't seem to do anything right, say anything right, make the right faces, or just plain exist and it be right.
I'm sick and tired of it! I know I can't lose hope but I'm really struggling right now...with like every aspect of life it seems.

could use some prayer...

thanks

SILENCE!!!!

Oh how I wish I had some silence.

My mind never stops going, thinking of all sorts of things and people. I worry and I try to help...it's just what I do. So really I should be reminding myself that I can't do anything but pray and God will take care of the rest but...I REALLY WANT TO HELP! You know when either you have kids or babysitting and you are doing something important or in a hurry and the kid wants to help but you really have it all under control and they would only slow you down? Well I feel like the kid... begging to be able to help...but I know it will only slow down the process. I am really trying to let it be...I really am.

There is so much on my mind...I am so EXCITED that tomorrow is Friday because this week has been challenging in so many ways that I am ready for a break(I hope) many times this week I have found myself thinking this: "God, it's me again...Um, so I am dealing with this really big problem right now...and well I don't think you meant...well I mean are you sure...cause well I am not so sure you really meant this problem for me to handle... cause well...I CAN'T DO THIS....Is there another Jessica that you meant it for?" Then I get to laugh at myself for being so ridiculous knowing that God ABSOLUTELY meant it for me and knows I can't do it by myself and He was just waiting for the word to swoop in and save me.

I have been swooped up a few times this week...it has felt real good too. I keep getting reminded that I am not alone, I don't have to do it on my own, and that God is in control of my life and all I need to do is surrender.

David Crowder sings "You never let go, you never let go, you never let go" Which always brings a smile to my face...because no matter how many times I lost my grip and let go...He never did...and He never will.

=)

Just words.

I used to sit and the words flowed through my fingertips.
Now I sit for hours thinking.
I used to put words together like a puzzle.
Now I have too many puzzles mixed together.
I used to smile for no reason.
Now I search to find a memory.
I used to be me.
Now I am just a version of who I was.

Sister Day! =)

Chels, Lyns, and I at the beach =)

Me and Chels in Florence.

All of us in Florence.

I got the priveledge of spending time with my sisters Monday night and all day Tuesday. We headed to the coast Tuesday and went up to Florence did a little shopping and then headed down to Bandon to play on the beach. =)

It was so much fun!

I am so glad to have them.

Hello....is that you? This is me...

So I finally made it to bed....and I think in just enough time to get to sleep to have to start waking up again. Should be a fantastsic day! =)

Imma gummma be going on an outing today with the seestas.... should be interesting. =)


Which I suppose I should go and get ready for.

Are you sleeping?

So I was all excited and thought I would write a real cool blog...but now that I am here I have nothing to say. How sad.

Tonight is night 3 of my stay alone... 2 out of 3 nights though I haven't been alone. I got both my sisters here tonight. =) We watched a movie and they are both sound asleep in the living room on couches. Which means I get my bed to myself. =) It would be okay if I didn't though.

So anyway, I don't really have anything else to tell you so I guess this blog is done.

all by my lonesome

So I told you all that I would be staying by myself cause my dad is out of town. Well tonight is the 2nd night... but really the first by myself cause my real nice sister came and stayed with me last night.

i'm doing just fine though...or atleast I was.

I had a real good day. Went to church, got real mad, got real happy, got real mad again, hung out with Mam, Lyns and played cards and then the youngest came home so I got to see her too! It was real nice!

So finally after a long time I decided I have better get home but I had to take care of the dogs first. So to entertain myself I called my aunt and chatted with her for awhile and then my cousin. After awhile I had enough and decided to come on home. However, I wanted to talk to my uncle so I called him to pass the time away and had to go get some gas so I could make it home...and this is when it all turned for the worst. =)

(All this happening while talking to my uncle)
First, the boy at the gas station stole my wallet... cause I tried to hide my driver's license. So after he was done pilfering through my walllet I finally got it back. My uncle laughing at me the whole time. Mostly because he could tell my face was turning red and he enjoyed making it worse. All the time talking to him the boy at the gas station saying. "you're blushing...what's he saying?" Which I certainly wasn't going to repeat what I was hearing from the other end. =) So then I remembered that my tire was low (even though the tire guy just checked them and said nothing was wrong) and my uncle laughing again, asking me if it was a full service station, so then I made him check my oil too. Which then he asked me if i thought it was a full service station. Ha! It wasn't like he had anything else to do. The place was dead!
Anyways, I got real embarassed on the phone and the boy at the gas station wanted to know what my uncle was saying and well...oh man. I finally had to get off the phone cause I couldn't stop laughing and smiling. My uncle is a really funny guy!

Once that was over we were just chit chatting and he was trying to scare me about staying out here and all...cause he knows where I live. Saying things like watch out for all the deer and stuff. Well then I said oh nothing bad is gonna happen and he said I should knock on wood and I was like yeah ok whatever. So I left and headed home...and barely turned off the highway and almost hit 4 deer that ran across the road. I blame the boy at the gas station. So I told him that and he just laughed at me. What real nice friends I have...don't ya think!


So that was a real long story...but kinda funny. I'm doing fine out here though. Everything is good! =)

la la lonely. =)

Love turned to hate

Truth become lies

Happiness is anger

Smiles are tears

Dreams fade to fear

Home alone...AHHAHAHAHA

Just kidding! I am quite looking forward to it actually. My dad is headed to Reno so I get some time off...from him. I got a whole list of things to take care of. =)

Let's just hope the forest doesn't eat me. =( I have yet had to stay out here by myself. It could be interesting. I just won't be going outside after dark.

I need...

I need you to open up your eyes

I need you to see the pain you are causing

I need you to make a change

not for me, but for you.

I need you to listen to your heart

I need you to ignore your mind

I need you to focus on God

not for me, but for yourself.

I need you to seek God's will

I need you to seek His direction

I need you to wake up to real life

not for me, but for you.

I need you to take a stand

I need you to overcome the hurt

I need you to be, and stay, strong

not for me, but for yourself.

I need you to know, you're not alone

I need you to see we are on your side

I need you to be honest with yourself

not for me, but for you.

I need you to do this...

not for me, but for yourself!

=) Happy to be me...again

I don't want to have to think about everything you say and wonder if you are telling me the truth.

I don't want to have to make excuses for you to make things alright.

I don't want to lay awake at night wondering if this is really what I want.

I don't want to spend most of my time aplogizing for something I don't even know I did.

I don't want to worry every day if today will be the day you decide not to love me anymore.

I don't want to have to think about how you might feel if I do something that makes me happy.

I don't want to worry about if my choices are going to be ok with you.

I don't want to think of reasons why I am who I am

I don't want to ask your permission to be friends with someone.

I don't want to.

And I won't!

So I'm not! =)

Adventure

So today I left the house around 3 pm with my dad. We took the rhino up the mountain with a big group of people. When everyone showed up we had 10 rhino's total. We went on so many trails it was crazy. Lots of fun but at times scary. Getting slapped in the face by branches and jabbed in the side...all in all it was great. My adventure led me to get dirty! We were going through some huge ruts in the road and we were doing real good until my side dropped into the rut and over we went. I had to push myself up and hold myself there until the people could help us get tipped up right. So that was our first encounter with the mud and the bank. Later on we almost did it again...I got real close to the mud again. =)
I should mention that 3/4 of the people we were with were drinking the whole time so by dark everyone was just plain crazy...and quite entertaining if I may say so. One of the older guys got his stuck and we had to wench him out and we got seperated from the rest of the group and apparently went a different way cause at some point we got back on the old guys farm and one of the other guys found us and was like where were you we thought you were lost and they were looking for us. It was funny. Everyone was safe though and no one got hurt. I just got a real bad headache is all. So I think it is off to bed for me.
We got back at 9pm...that's 6 hours... and it feels like it! I'm way tired!

I thought Abby would enjoy this story being that we didn't do anything near that crazy when we went up. =) Maybe next time. ;)

I'll try and get pictures tomorrow of my side of the rhino. =)
G'nite!

the wind =)

I love the wind.

The force, the strength, the feeling, the smell, the beauty of it all. I love fall weather!

So last night and today the wind has been crazy out here in my forest...we lost a couple trees and of course the pretty leaf free yard is well...no longer leaf free.

But, I was standing outside just a few minutes ago and I closed my eyes and just listened...all I could hear was the wind...and I felt peaceful, relaxed, calm, and alive!

Can't sleep...

Been trying to sleep but can't seem to get my mind to cooperate. Lots on my mind apparently and not to mention my 1hr nap around 11 doesn't seem to be helping much.

Topics on my mind are as follows:

*Insecurities
*Forgiveness
*Letting past mistakes go
*Moving on
*Death
*Love
*Future
* And the fact that I can't seem to spell anything correctly the first time.


So which should we talk about?

I would say the spelling but is has no room for depth so let's go with letting things and moving on.


I find myself thinking of things in the past and really feeling bad about some things because in some cases I was way wrong in my actions and things did not go the way I had planned. So at this point I am chatting with God about all this and I find that I am repeating these same things when I ask for forgivness. Now, I know that God has already forgiven me and moved on so why is it that I can't forgive myself. I mean the one with all the power has let it go so why on earth can't I?

On to insecurities....
Everyone has them...and if you think you don't then you are in denial and need some help!!!

So, the thought behind this is when thinking to myself I say I wish this or I was this or this was better and so on... that if all these things were the way I wanted them to be that everything would be great and I would be so happy because everything was finally exactly the way I wanted it to be. BUT, I also know that we as human will never be fully satisfied. We always want something more. That if I only had that I wouldn't need anything else and I would be so happy. WRONG! It doesn't quite work that way...

Hmm...Forgiveness!
Why in the heck does it have to be so HARD!!!
Ugh...I'm really struggling with this one. I want to be mad for awhile. I don't want to talk and I don't want to be happy about it just yet. But why? Why don't I? I mean, the sensible thing here is to let ig go and live happy...but why can't I? This I want to know!

Sometimes I just really wish I could pause life for a second and sit down one on one with God and ask Him some of these questions...cause I think it would make things just a little easier!


Anyways, just thoughts in my head as I lay awake at 2:30 in the morning!
Had to vent to someone, might as well be this new found friend of mine I would like to call....

Harland. =)

Goodnight/morning

Early morning thoughts...

Love...
(Just one aspect and thought on the word love)

A loaded word don't you think!

You can't make someone love you by buying them things, saying all the right things and by being who you think they want you to be. Because in the end they don't really love you...they love the person you have made in order to impress them.

No matter how hard you try...you can't MAKE someone love you... it's like a do or don't thing. And I think you know right from the beginning if you could ever really love them or not.

And I feel kind of bad about this...because there were just some people that I will never love like this and they tried real hard at some points...and it's kinda sad yet funny to think back about it because they tried real real hard for small moments and expected me to love them.

I don't think you can really love someone the way you want to if you don't feel any love returned. Speaking from my own experience of course...when you know someone is just jealous and you feel like their actions are self centered and mean, you really don't have any desire to love them like you probably should.

So here is when it gets complicated....
God says to love one another as He has loved us. This is where I would like to have a one on one with the big guy and say "Have you met this person!?!?!?!" To which He would answer of course! I made them and I love them. To which I might have to ask Him if He was crazy!!!! Knowing that He of course is not but I'm real serious about this being hard and all.

I know He is probably laughing at me...cause I know it can't be that hard...
and it is better now then it was before but yet still challenging.


So that is what was on my mind when I woke up and after thinking it was not time to get up my mind started to wander off... Thanks for hanging in there through all that rambling! =)

remember me?

So, I haven't sat down and wrote...like anything random or worth reading really...so that is what I wanted to do. This doesn't have anything to do with anything...just words is all. I don't want you all to start worrying about me. Just doing what I love...writing. =)



I'll wipe away the tears like I wipe away the lies
and one ever knows they exist but me.

I'll laugh when it's appropriate
and keep the sadness to myself.

I'll smile and nod when asked if everything is all right
and keep myself from feeling the truth.

I'll be who you want me to be
and convince myself it's better that way.

I'll learn this new life
and no one will remember the old one.

Made contact with long lost granny...who's not really lost...

So after A LOT of thought I decided to call this long lost granny of mine. It turned out all right I suppose. It was sure interesting... I dunno. I have some mixed feelings about it all. I'm praying about it all though. Maybe it would open up some doors with my sister and I. So, you can keep me and this whole situation in your prayers. Thanks! =)

long lost granny...

"I'm waking up

The world is turning

The sun is shining again

I'm holding on

To things I shouldn't

It's time to let them go

I've been on a losing streak

Hit so hard I couldn't speak

But when I hear Your voice it fades away

And I can hear You say

It's a brand new day

The pain goes away..."

Too many things going on lately!

I got a call from my long lost grandma as I like to call her. My birth moms mom.

Suddenly after like 4 or 5 years happened to find my number and thought she would call me. I didn't answer though...cause I was working.

What I would like to know though is why now? I mean, I wasn't good enough before, she obviously didn't love me like she loved my sister...so what's different now. Why even bother?

Just the other day I was thinking to myself about her and my sister. I asked myself what made my sister so much better. What did she have that I didn't? Why wasn't I wanted?

Through out my life I have gotten a few cards a couple phone calls and that's it. She knows nothing about me except what my sister(whom hates me) has told her. At this point I am tired of people walking into my life just to turn around and leave again. Just stay gone.

I don't know...

I kind of want to talk to her but then again I don't. Lately I have felt sick and tired of giving people so many second chances.

...and as I thought about that, I have just realized that with God I am given as many chances I need to get it right...so who am I to decide if they deserve it or not. I get them when I certainly don't deserve them. So this has given me something to think about.

Life is moving on...which is a good thing I guess. I suppose I don't want things to stay the same but I wish that certain things would....

Matters of the heart...

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."

This is my goal...I want to be so lost in God that I don't see the person before God has prepared me to see him. I have learned lots in my last journey of love and I have come to actually realize that I am nothing, we will be nothing, and he will be nothing if we are not individually focused on Him first and then together as things change.

God has been so good to me...healing my heart when I needed it, picking me up after I have fallen *not literally (= * and blessing me when I didn't deserve it at all. I have grown in so many ways. I have learned lessons that I might not have learned if I had done it any other way.

I've struggled lately... with letting go and really moving on...which I know is "normal" but I could certainly use some prayer. I find myself lost in thought about how maybe things could have changed and maybe if we were different but when I wake up I know that this is the best decision for the both of us. I miss him though...even after all the hurt and pain and all...I really still miss him. I know that, that too shall pass...it just hasn't yet...so I take one day at a time and God guides me through those times. I'm thankful for those people in my life that encourage me and challenge me...and especially for those that just listen to me ramble on about everything I am feeling and all that is on my mind...cause whether they think it does or not...it helps and makes all the difference. So to you...I love you and I am so thankful for the things you do for me...I hope I can do the same for you. I just know that when I am in the place you are I hope I have been half the influence on someone as you have been on me.

I did it again!

So I have been way busy working with my dad lately....and well there have been some challenging days but overall things have been fine. Okay so we have been working on this deck and the place is on a hill and one day I was carrying a beam on my shoulder and stepped in a hole, rolled my ankle and fell and slid down the hill. (Go ahead and laugh...I know you want to.) Well my hip was bruised and my leg hurt real bad for a couple days...but I was fine. Well today I had to go to Springfield with my dad...and my day wasn't going like I would have liked but I was dealing with it. We were walking through the mill trying to find a machine to move all the stuff we had hauled. I was following my dad when I rolled my ankle again on some uneven ground and biffed it...AGAIN... and this time I even bled. I am two for two this week and hope that will end when this week ends. Totally embarrassing but kinda funny (Go ahead and laugh again) I know I deserve it. What a clutz!
Hope this gave you a laugh! =)

I'm...

I'm sad
I'm happy
I'm weak
I'm strong
I'm shy
I'm outgoing
I'm hurt
I'm healed
I'm busy
I'm bored
I'm broken
I'm fixed
I'm good
I'm bad
I'm loved
I'm hated
I'm anxious
I'm calm
I'm stressed
I'm relaxed

And God is good!


It doesn't matter who I am or what I feel...God understands me and knows just what to do and you can help. Sometimes I feel like all of these all at the same time...but I can rest assured that I won't have to do anything by myself because God is always on my side and sending people my way that can help.

So I am encouraged... =) Life is good!

Where to even begin...

I have no idea where to even start.
I have so many things running through my mind and everything seems pointless. I don't know how to fix anything!
What am I doing with my life? That is the question to be answered. I honestly feel useless. I see so many other people that know what they want in life and are going for it and here I am stuck. What is wrong with me?
I just feel worthless right now... =(
Ugh...why does everything have to be so confusing!?!?

Just the other day I was doing so good, I was happy with things and was excited about how things were going...so what happened to me? How do I get back there?

I dunno...

Ugh!

Live and let go!

"Sometimes you have to kiss a few toads in order to find your prince"

Okay so not literally...I'm not going to go around kissing people trying to find "the one" I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. What it means to me though is that sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to and with whom you want. If so, you know what worked for you and what didn't and you learn and you grow. I am excited and I am challenged with this new freedom and the things God has in store for me. I don't quite remember the last time I was this excited about "a God thing" as I like to call it. I am thankful!

I have the most amazing "family" that has adopted me and I am so blessed by them!
I am not sure what my life would have turned out like it it weren't for them...Mam especially...(and since I know you are reading this) I want to tell you this, this is what you are for me: You are strong, courageous, humble, trustworthy, compassionate, passionate, kind, loving, and the list could go on for days. I have been so inspired by you and you probably don't even know it. I had never had that strong, God fearing, christian , mother figure in my life till I met you...and boy do I thank God for you. You have gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life...and I know that you would and are always there for me. You challenge me and treat me like one of your own. When I evaluate myself and how far I have come I owe some of it to you.
I just wanted you to know...because I don't think you can say it enough...I love you and I am thankful for you!

Life is good! I still have my ups and downs just like everyone does...but I have a whole new outlook and I am welcoming each one because Jesus said in James that we need to rejoice in our hard time...cause we are building character and we are growing.

I'm inspired and encouraged...so I'll let you know how God is working in my life!

Stay tuned...you're not gonna want to miss it. =)

A four letter word...

*Risk*

There's a lot on my mind...and I'm not really sure how to get it all out there. Oddly enough...

The topic of taking risks has entered my life casually and quite bombardedly in the past few weeks/month. I have done a pretty good job of letting it go and living the way I want to and so on. What I know in my heart is that God is reminding me that this life that I call my own really isn't mine and I need to wake up and smell the ocean air and get on board. I am not a risk taker...I like the comfort of all the things I know. I am good right where I am. But, what I also know is that God doesn't want me to be comfortable and at the second I start to feel this way I need to do something about it because I have stopped growing and maturing. So I know all these things...but still struggling with how to really put them into action and letting go and letting God. I gave some advice to a wonderful young girl this evening about not giving up and learning that things don't happen in our time but in Gods time...and we have to be patient and obediant to the things he has called us to do. For the first time in a very long time I have been truly happy with how things were going in my life. I feel like I am getting back on track and I feel blessed. I know that God is good and that He isn't going to let me down even though I screw up and let Him down all the time. I have been humbled and I have been taught a very valuable lesson.

I am scared...I don't want to grow up, I like the way things are...but I know I have to. So my prayer has and is this:

Father,

I come to you in complete surrender of my life. You know the burdens and the heartache and the fear inside me. I give all that to you God knowing that by trusting you with all I have I will in return in your time be blessed. I thank you for the influence of Godly role models you have put in my life. That in times of struggle and confusion that they are there for me to lift me up and to encourage me in prayer and your words. You are the Almighty and Powerful God. I pray you give me the strenghth and courage I need each day to press on to the dreams and the plan you have for me. Help me to know and seek your will in all I do. Father thank you for never giving up on me.

In Your name.

The adventure begins here...

So, life has taken it turns for me lately but I'm hanging in there.

It has been hard but yet a blessing in disguise.

I am currently still working with my dad in construction and will hopefully be finding a new job here soon.

Other than that, I apparently have the words "single" and "looking" written across my face because people keep wanting to be my friend. I am not looking...and very much enjoying being single at the moment. =)

I just got back last Sunday from a great week at the coast with family. The picture above is just one of the most beautiful sunsets I got to see. God is so good! My family and I traveled up to Astoria and worked our way down the coast to Bandon where we concluded our travels and headed home. We had the best time and made some amazing memories. Sadly I had to say goodbye on Tuesday. =(

So now life goes back to normal...or rather the best version I know of normal and trying to move on.

So, I will try to keep this updated with life and maybe whatever is on my mind about random facts...so stay tuned.

All it takes is something this beautiful and peaceful to remind you of God's amazing creation and His love. I was certainly blessed.